I would like to apply for the vacancy to become your assistant "journalist". I previously applied for the vacant position of "your morals", but understand that position has now been removed indefinitely. I am though, particularly keen to join you on your articles on the case of Madeleine McCann, the 3 year old little girl who was so cruelly snatched from her bed without trace as her parents responsibly dined almost 80m away. As Gerry McCann stated, not much different to being in your own back garden. I have been looking at the evidence for some time now, and although I have no previous experience in journalism, I think I would be invaluable to you, and indeed The Sun newspaper, Britain's champion for lies.. Here is some of the evidence I have been looking at:
. Kate McCann lied about the wind blowing open the curtains to reveal an open window.
. There were no footprints on the bed directly beneath the window.
. Madeleine's bed was almost perfectly made, and appeared not to have been slept in.
. The McCanns lied about an abductor "smashing", "breaking", "jemmying" the shutters to gain access through a window to take Madeleine.
. There was no sign of a forced entry.
. Nothing in the apartment was disturbed, and nothing other than Madeleine was missing.
. Kate McCann's fingerprints were the only prints that could be found on the bedroom window.
. Kate McCann thought that her twin children had been sedated by an intruder, yet failed to have them tested for drugs or medication until 4 months later.
. Neither parent searched, except for Gerry who went for a walk for an hour with David Payne, which was understandable, Payne said Gerry needed a consoling.
. Jane Tanner (one of the McCann's friends) claimed to see an abductor carrying a child, her description of this man changed appearance more times than Mr Benn.
. Jane Tanner's partner had no alibi between 9:30pm and 9:50pm
. Jez Wilkins who was talking to Gerry on the street failed to spot this "abductor".
. Jez Wilkins also failed to spot Jane Tanner.
. As did Gerry.
. Jane claims she saw both men though
. The Smith family, returning from a night out spotted a man who Mr Smith believed was Gerry McCann carrying a motionless child in his arms. Mr Smith was up to 80% sure that man was Gerry McCann.
. An e-fit was made and a report given to the McCanns. The McCanns kept this evidence from both the public for 5 years.
. Not only did the Smith Family description match Gerry's features perfectly, but they also described his clothing, which also matched that of Gerry McCann.
. Scotland Yard have dismissed Jane Tanners "sighting" yet the McCanns still have this e-fit up on their Facebook page.
. The day after the abduction Kate and Gerry both searched for "at least an hour" tirelessly, before nipping to the Payne's apartment for a spot of breakfast. Poor Kate said they didn't sleep.
. The specialist dogs and their handler, Martin Grime’s, findings:-
. Eddie, a highly trained cadaver dog that had never once made a false alert in over 200 cases, indicated the scent of a corpse that would have been in DIRECT contact with the following items and areas:-
. Kate McCann's trousers.
. Kate McCann's top.
. Madeleine McCann's t-shirt.
. Madeleine McCann's cuddle cat toy.
. A flower bed directly outside apartment 5a.
. The McCanns' wardrobe in the bedroom of 5a.
. The cadaver dog didn't alert to any other apartment it searched in.
. Keela the CSI dog alerted to the hire car boot, which led a forensic team to discover samples of what could have been Madeleine's DNA.
. Both dogs alerted to the following areas:-
. Behind the sofa in the McCann's apartment.
. The hire car rented 25 days AFTER Madeleine was reported missing.
. The key for the hire car.
. A witness claimed to have seen the boot of the McCann's hire car open night after night.
. There was unexplained, excessively high mileage on the McCanns hire car.
. A blue sports bag photographed in the wardrobe where the cadaver dog alerted to has disappeared, and its existence denied.
. The McCanns hired an ex government spin doctor, Clarence Mitchell, who lied on numerous occasions on their behalf, and admitted on tape to feeding the press stories, and altering what was actually said into "what we meant to say".
. Mitchell also claimed that Madeleine was "probably dead", for which no action was taken. Yet when the lead detective, Goncalo Amaral said the same, the McCanns took him to court, despite evidence backing up the claims. The McCanns lost this trial.
. A Limited company was set up within days of Madeleine disappearing with the intention of donations being used "mainly for legal fees".
. The fund has been used for mortgage payments, to pay witnesses expenses, to sue newspapers, to pay for 5 star accommodation and can be used in any way the McCanns choose.
. The McCanns made inquiries for Madeleine to be made a ward of court days after her disappearance, thus relinquishing all parental responsibility to the courts. This was granted.
. Kate McCann refused to answer 48 out of 49 questions designed to find her missing daughter, and ascertain what happened on the evening the McCanns claim Madeleine was abducted
. Kate wrote a book that contains many lies and exaggerations of the truth.
. The McCanns claimed, through Clarence Mitchell that they would take a lie detector test, but later, when offered to take one, they flatly refused.
. Expert body language analysts have claimed the McCanns lie when talking about what happened during their stay in Portugal.
. Gerry McCann was warned by the police not to mention Madeleine's eye defect as it could endanger her life, he chose to ignore this advice giving the reason that; "in terms of marketing, it was a good ploy".
. Father Pacheco, the local priest, who trusted the McCanns with the keys to the church, claimed he was deceived by the couple, but that he would take what he was told to the grave.
. The Vatican removed all links to Madeleine and refused to comment further after The Pope met the McCanns.
. The McCanns deleted their phone records and some text messages.
All of the above can only lead to one possible conclusion. That a burglar, possibly 3 of them, took Madeleine without leaving a trace, and with the help of two Russians, buried Madeleine's invisible corpse on some wasteland, metres away from where she was abducted. If it was me I would doorstep these people for an interview ASAP, or we could always write any old bollocks, and pass it off as news. As I mentioned earlier, I have no previous experience working for a newspaper, but if my conclusion makes any sense to you, then I think I could play a pivotal role for The Sun newspaper, the envy of the World.
PS are you available for children's parties? It's my son's 6th birthday next week, and the clown has cancelled.